…. i started this blog almost 5 years ago, and have finally come to the conclusion that its time to move on.
the people i met, the voices that spoke to me everyday through comments and emails and sometimes even phone calls and personal visits — they helped change the course of my life.
no lie.
i will miss this. my corner of the world. its taught me a lot about who i am, and who i want to be.
thank you for visiting. i hope the stories and posts i’ve chosen to keep active make you laugh, make you think.. maybe even make you cry..
but mostly i hope you find inspiration in them, to.. if nothing else…
lace up and go for a run! because thats how all this started. and it really is how it should end.
a friend of mine today said something to me, in response to one of my many ramblings, that rendered me speechless for a minute or two. and really kinda hit home, in a way i doubt he even meant for it to…..
ever since christmas, and going home… work and new years, and then my birthday (which, thank you for all the well wishes. i love bloggy land!), i’ve just been going a mile a minute. or rather, life, or at least day-to-day time, has just seemed to be in a perpetual state of fast-forward. and its all i can do to just keep up.
between new years resolutions, and new years eve fiascos, to holy-crap-i’m-26-what-am-i-doing-with-my-life revelations, somewhere in there, i forgot something.
and today… i was reminded…
“it’s all good. life is good. just enjoy.”
in trying to make sure that my 26th year is all that it can be, i forgot half of it is just sitting back and enjoying it.
the chaos of my life, the chaos that is causing me a small amount of BOOGIDA BOOGIDA right now, is the same chaos in my life that i just… that i love. its who i am.
i dont have it all figured out. i don’t know what i’m doing or where i’m going. i get lost. figuratively and literally. almost on a daily basis…. my apartment flip-flops between perfect organization, and having scattered within it every piece of clothing that i own, because i cannot dress for an evening out without trying on all combinations of outfits paired with shoes, and should my hair be up or down? curly or straight? do i need more eye shadow or am i good?…
every month, without fail, i receive my bills in the mail, and spend two or three good days wondering if i already paid it online, or do i need to send a check. and then usually do both, creating for myself quite a situation the next day when its time to buy groceries…. i am so scatterbrained in the morning, dressing for work in the dark, that earlier this week i showed up to the gym with two right shoes, making that days run rather impossible….the next day i forgot my t-shirt. prompting my boss to seriously question my state of mind.
i create for myself the most ridiculous of situations.. whether its playing O Come All Ye Faithfull in the middle of Silent Night…. thinking i live in a chinese restaurant, or just being so dumb-founded on the phone when certain male specimens call, that i stutter my way thru the entire situation as though i have yet to develop any social skills what-so-ever.
all of its me. and its fun. its funny. its just life. and its a good life, and its my life, and i dont know what i was thinking, trying to make it into so much more.
i worked so hard last year to get to the point where i actually like who i am. so this year, my 26th year, i will, yes, i will strive for that 5 hour marathon. i will attempt to lose those inches around the middle… i’ll save more money, and i’ll learn to swim and join that TRI-team. yes its true, i will do all those things.
but mostly, i’ll just be me. with no apologies and no excuses.. i’ll remember to sit back and enjoy whatever mess it is i’ve managed to get myself into, and i’ll laugh.
cuz “its all good. life is good. just enjoy”
ooooh my. oh my oh my. oh my goodness.
um. heh. sooo, uh, did anyone else drink a little too much new years eve? get so drunk they forgot which building they lived in, so tried for 20 minutes to get the building next door to theirs (chinese restaurant) open with their apartment key, because..”it just sticks a little. i swear. the key fits, you just have to wiggle it”… really truely unaware that they were at the wrong building… all the while an entire after party was waiting for them at their ACTUAL apartment, for like 20 minutes, wondering where the hell you were? so that now you’re stuck with 3 bottles of champagne, 2 bottles of vodka, 2 pies, a zillion cookies and more varieties of chips and dip than you know what to do with…but a really clean house, because you spent half the day saturday cleaning getting ready for the 15ish people that were supposed to be coming over?!!!!
hmm? anyone??!?… no? yeah. uhh……… me neither……!
WHEW! what a way to ring in the new year, i tell you what. and that’s not the half of it….. i’m quite sure there’s a certain someone out there that thinks i’m certifiably insane.. fun, and crazy, in kind of a good way, but also… just a little bit out of my mind. i can’t remember the last time i had that kind of a night. too fun. no like… toooooo fun. happy 2006!!
(wow!)
ANYway… ::slouches down, completely mortified::
needless to say, this chick was WAY too hung over to do any actual running as of yet in 2006…however, i did get 4 very, VERY amazing miles in saturday.
just not in the morning as i’d planned.
because, come to find out, i am not brilliant.
i know… shocker, right?!
between waking up HOURS late for the morning run, to not knowing upper 30 degree weather doesnt need running pants, running long-sleeve turtleneck, ear cover-upper head band thing AND a running jacket (yeah. 6 months later and i’m still the newbie) to getting lost, crossing a bridge i didnt even know existed…
i was, quite literally, chaos in motion.
but it was a great last run of the year… and tomorrow, hopefully, will bring me a great FIRST run of the year!!
for now though, sleep. lots and lots of sleep!
so, as planned, i woke up a few minutes early to cute-ify myself. hair? check. make-up? check…. sorta. (very minor) tall black boots with the fur ontop? check.
and all of this…well lets face it, i was workin it. but. the clencher??
fishnet stalkings people. fish. net. me = en fuego.
and then what happens? he’s already at the damn gym when i get there, so he only sees me in my gym-attire, and….. come to find out, he’s got a girlfriend.
(how do i know this? i can be very resourceful when i need to be. don’t even worry about it)
so, i’m down for the count, right?
WRONG!!!
blah blah blah, work. get bored. eat a piece of chocolate cake.
so i get home and decide maybe another few miles on the tread would be a good decision (ran a few at the gym… 2.05 to be exact. knee kinda throbbed a bit after, but i got home and was fine, so…. why not take it out for a spin?!)
and WHAT a phenomenal decision that was, because who do i see when i walk down to the basement and enter our somewhat ghetto gym type area??
hottie boy from a few weekends ago that lives in my building and i drool over.
on a regular basis.
ad nauseum.
yesssssss… talk about a damn great motivator to get my butt down there EVERY NIGHT!!!
eye contact. yup. head nod. def’ly… keep it cool. you are here to run. not pick up dudes. (yeah right.) so, i mount the tread, start’er up and….EFFING OUCH!!! dammit. my left foot. somethings jacked with the tongue of my shoe.dammit. dammit. can’t run like this..sharp, searing pain……… so i stop the tread. try and fix. ok. we’re good. no big deal that this room is the size of my closet and he’s directly in front of me. FACING me. no. big. deal. just…. run.
so. start’er up again……&%*^! YOW! omg. this never happens to me. i am like the queen of tying my shoe. what is going on with the tongue of this thing. i am friggin cursed. be smooth. HA. i look like a friggin gimp. thank god i didnt wear my “MARATHON” shirt. i’d look like a damn fool. ok. lets try this again….
as always…third time’s a charm. so i’m running…running… and normally, i look directly straight ahead. theres a big coke machine in the other room and i focus on it. where does Hottie Boy happen to be?! in the WAY! stop looking at him. look at the floor….no dammit thats lame. look at the floor? who looks at the floor when they run. head up…. wow he’s really cute ok NO. stop. just… watch tv…… so i’m running, WAY faster than normal because…. there’s a boy in the room, and we know what THAT does to my running but finally i catch a break and he goes in the other room to lift.
thank GOD i was about to have a heart attack… so…. speed on tread gets turned wayyyy down (to my normal “is that actually considered running?” pace..) and i find my groove and we’re good.
Hottie Boy finishes up, we talk, i ooze flirty-breezey-”ain’t no thang i’m just running”-ness, and he leaves.
i wipe away the drool, walk out my last few minutes (b/c now my knee hurts but i dont care… so worth it) and call it a night.
yeahhhh…. i know. i’m ridiculous right? but admit it…its just so FUN!!
walking out from the gym, looking ratty, red faced, and barely able to keep my legs under me from sheer exhaustion, who do I pass?
who? WHO?!!
the most amazingly attractive drop dead gorgeous man I think I have ever seen. ever. (at least this month).
he was amazing. tall. dark hair. walked with a swagger that said “that’s right ladies. I have arrived. and you want me, and I know it, but hey, I’m still a cool nice guy, lets do lunch!” … his hair… it was shortish-long… you know, kinda blew in the wind, but still a really good hottie hair cut.
as he walked towards my path, before getting a good look at him, I casually say to Ballerina Girl…”whoa. who’s this character”… thinking nothing of it. but as we grew closer, and closer still, i held my breath. i tried to maintain composure. i attempted eye-contact, but seeing as how i probably came up to his belly-button, there was no eye-contact to be had.
and with that, he passed me. walking in opposite directions. carrying his gym bag. which of course just makes him all the more attractive. why? because that’s how it works, ladies and gentleman, it just does. you don’t question it. you just accept.
and after he had passed, and was out of ear-shot, i finally caught my breath. my knees buckled, i stumbled with the grace of an elephant, and i had three words.
oh. my. gawd.
tomorrow i’m putting on makeup, and actually brushing my hair (!!).
i’m camping out on the basketball court (because, i’ve done my homework, and he frequents the basketball court…. ooh. ouch. what’s that?… my ITB is acting up. i think i need to stretch….. huh. whaddaya know. stretch mats are on the basketball court….. hmm. how ’bout that!??!?) and i’m going to telepathically instruct him to have an unquenchable desire to get to know the girl on the stretching mat…..
thats the plan. we’ll see how it goes……
ok this has nothing to do with running, but since i tend to share my “i made an ass of myself” stories, i thought hey. why break tradition…..
my mom, in true motherly fashion, volunteered me, without my knowledge, to play my flute at mid-night mass this christmas. i found out about a week ahead of time, and of course, don’t have my flute with me in KC, nor have i even played in 6ish months… so. i was just thrilled
i get home, and i get the music and my flute friday… the service i’m playing at is saturday evening, so that gives me a day…. but, its christmas music. and not complicated in any way shape or form, so, whatever. i’m all good. i rehearse with the choir and all is well.
saturday evening, service begins, i play my first piece… everything goes well. not only am i a running goddess (ha!) i am now a. maria, player of christmas carols. saving the day with her triumphant flute mastery…. i lower my stand, go back to my pew, and bask in my own job well done. (as well as pray and sing and all the other things you do at church. on christmas. at midnight….)
about an hour later, its time for me to play again. Silent Night. the mother of all carols. and am i worried? nervous? uhhh. no. a. maria. master of all things flute, remember?!
so i go back up to the front, take a look at the music…. its still as i left it, silent night on top, both pages, all is well …. i start playing, and everything is great. i am in my head already congratulating myself on a job well done. i’m thinking to myself..hmm. maybe i’ll take my flute along with me the next time i go to the symphony (because i do that so often?!) incase the lead flute has some sort of unforseen finger spasm, i could just hop in and take over. it’d really be no big deal, and i’d be doing them such a favor (?! who AM i?!)
….. as i’m getting to the bottom of the first sheet of music, they lower the lights…. unbeknownst to me, as i’m playing Silent Night, the acolytes were going around lighting candles for everyone, so that they could sing Silent Night by candlelight… cuz. yeah. thats a great idea.
except. i dont have a candle.
so of course i’m like um… uh-oh?! but i keep on playing, my eyes adjust, and all is well. once again, a.maria almighty pulls thru.
so i finish the first sheet of music, go to play the first note on the second page of music and….. “rouuuuund yon virrrrgin…. WANKKKKKKKK”
omg what was that. omg that was not the right note. omg. omg. omg.
as i’m standing there, infront of God and everyone, i play this B natural, just outta NOWHERE, and its wrong. but i look and… no its not wrong. thats a B natural…. so i go to play the next note, thinking…wtf just happened? that IS the right note. it says so RIGHT THERE on the sheet of music….
WAAAAAAANK….wrong note again!!!!!!!
so i stop playing. cuz wtf is going on? i’m utterly confused…. the choir starts humming behind me, cuz…. wtf else are they gunna do? and the director is looking at me like im some sort of mutant, like wtf? what are you doing? and i’m mouthing to him “ITS THE WRONG MUSIC!! ITS THE WRONG MUSIC!!” and i’m kinda laughing… while i’m standing, in the front of church, in the dark, while everyone is humming SILENT freaking NIGHT, and i’m at a loss.
what do i do what do i do what do i do. i very quickly converse with myself, in my head, as to whether or not i can play it from memory.
quite simply? no!
so i’m standing there, and finally the director hands me his copy of the music and points out where we’re at, and i come back in with “hooooly infant so tennnnnder and mild…” and i play the rest of the song and as the director starts playing on the piano, keying the congregation to join in, i duck my head, tip-toe back to my pew and die.
i just wankered my way thru SILENT NIGHT. at church. with candles. on CHRISTMAS EVE. you have got to be kidding. you’ve gotta be kidding. you’ve gotta be kidding. i have never in my LIFE played such a blatently wrong note, ever, ever, EVER. and now? on christmas EVE. when nobody was SINGING. no nothing? really?!
REALLY?!!!!! how could this have HAPPENED?!!
(come to find out, one of the sheets of music got blown off the stand, and whoever picked it up, put it right back on top of the other music… so half way thru Silent Night, i started playing the second sheet of O Come All Ye Faithful.. and my dumbass self never thought to look to see if it was the RIGHT sheet of music. just that…it WAS music. so maybe filling in for the symphony…?! not such a good idea….)
….
the rest of service continues, people file out, and i just kinda slither my way down, farther and farther, into the pew. people are coming up to me, left and right “oh, you did such a good job, that was great”…etc etc… and i’m looking at them, like…are they nuts?
and then…. “that must have been horrible, them shutting off the lights on you. i can’t believe they did that. you recovered so well….”
….?!…
omg. YES! YES! that WAS horrible!! and not at ALL my fault! i didn’t know what was going on!! i couldn’t SEE. i didn’t KNOW!! it was DARK! yes. THATS IT!!!!! hoorah!!!
and just like that….. a. maria conquerer of all? yeah. she was so back. marathons, water-stops, and now? christmas carols.
oh yeah. life. is. good.
(but MAN must i just be quite the entertainment for the big man upstairs!!)
*sighhhhhhhh*
m’kay. here’s the deal.
(deep breath in mmmmmmm, deep breah out, ahhhhhh)
so. ‘member back a few posts ago i mentioned that um… chicago guy and i might do a triathlon together? and how i was kinda freaked about it, and boogatie boogatie blah blah blah.
right. so. thing with that was basically… if running is a bunch of left foot- right foot-left foot-right foot, and the complexity of that was too much for me to handle on my own?? well… what in the bejeeses makes me think i can handle kick right foot-kick left foot-pinwheel arms-lift head-breathe in-dunk head down-breathe out-keep going-don’t drown-get out of water-run to “T1″ (as if i even know what that means)-hop onto bike-pedal right foot-pedal left foot-get off bike-run to “T2″-somehow very quickly change clothes?? (how is this even possible, with all the clothes changing? how does this work?)-left foot-right foot-left foot-right foot-dont be last!!!!
see? its more complicated than “i think i’ll do a triathlon”. there is GEAR involved. bikes and….. goggles. fancy clippy-onny shoes that match helmets and bikes, a la Wil…. so…… cue freaking out me.
(and y’all know i got the freaking out thing covered. done AND done.)
so i finally grew the needed cajones and admitted my interest in a triathlon to my coach…
surprisingly, even though he’s extremely familiar with my athletic ability (or…. lack there of, as the case may be)…. he didnt laugh! didnt mock, didn’t even jolt with a knee-jerk reaction of “this girl is damn nuts!”
so….. eegads. here’s what he had to say….
bascially. don’t be a wuss. DO IT. (ohhhh, okay. its THAT easy? sure! yeesh.)… he’s got a few different training programs i can join, all starting in April. so. until then, i should work on my swimming and strength training for the next few months while getting ready for the june 4th m’thon. and then start tri specific around april, and enter an event in july.
um. here’s the thing…………. the strength training i’ve got covered. the swimming…. i.. i can swim. don’t get me wrong. according to almost all previous swimming instructors, i can even swim pretty… i.e. supposedly i have good form (although, i find this difficult to believe) so. yes. can swim.
i can even swim for long periods of time… if. ya know. you count things like “hey, look at me, i’m doing a handstand in the water”… and… “hey. i can swim like a dolphin. cool”…. or, i dunno…. “hey time me while i hold my breathe under water!”….
but going back and forth and back and forth in a lane pool?
not so much. should be interesting.
anyway. here’s where the RBF.. obviously the TRI-ing RBF comes in.
WHAT DO I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?!?! from now until january, i’m going to just continue my normal run/bike/row/lift schedule, because i need time to let this settle, but come january, i’m going to start “working on my swimming”…. (oh dear lord what have i gotten myself into?!) and i’m going to need help.
should i just get in the pool and…swim? should i be counting how many laps i can do without dying? should i concentrate on…………. i dont even KNOW. my stroke? or… how many times i breathe? or… my kick? my “body roll” (i totally just read that on someone elses blog. i dont even know what that really means)….
basically, should i just go gung-ho, or should i have a plan? is this whole thing completely absurd? who am i to think i can do a friggin triathlon YOU PEOPLE ARE QUITE THE INFLUENCE ON ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*sigh*
help me out here guys. i am a lost little puppy dog right now, just kinda chasing my tail round and round in circles.
and i’m getting dizzy!
our water-stop was, undoubtedly, the absolute best water-stop in the history of water-stops since the beginning of the invention of the idea of the water-stop.
we had entirely too much fun for people standing out in the sometimes frigid, sometimes warm november air handing out carbs and calories in all their forms.
(seriously, our stop was a veritable smorgasbord of treats for the runners….and the volunteers!)
the runners were….in a word….. cute. and i mean cute ranging from “hey hi hello there, here’s my number” to “omg he’s the most precious 80 year old i’ve ever met”…. it was craziness.
our stop was mile 2, 5ish, 11, 18ish, and 24…ish. (yeah. we were clearly on top of things, we never really knew what mile we were on, but it turned out not to be that big of a deal….. seeing as how about a third of the runners got lost and circled back 90 times… we were miles 2-27 for some people, lets put it that way!)
it started out with Stripe Shirt and i (hoorah, the dynamic duo comes together again to rule another day!) in a shouting match at the runners….”5K to the left”…..”1/2 and Full M’thon to the right….” (okay. it doesnt sound funny… but it was. just trust me on this one!!)
we then competed for runners with our water, or gatorade, depending on who you were…..i preferred to hand out the water with my rousing “WAY TO GO-H20″ chant… as running shoes wooed his runners with his “best gatorade in the county”… he was most def’ly in the lead, until i broke out “RUN LIKE A MONKEY, EAT A BANANA”….(yes. as i attempted to hand out cut-up bananas)
strangely enough, nobody took me up on my offer. hmmm…
we met our rather rude “you should have had ice” runners, and our sweet “thanks so much for being out here runners”…we met a man who was running his 217th marathon… was turning 52 later in the month, and was running 52 marathons in 52 weeks…. and was on his 147th consecutive month for having run a marathon.
he was friggin amazing. he stopped, on mile 18 and 24, for a fajita. it was awesome.
we met an 80 year old who had a really amazing story as well, but i completely forget what it was. but he was cool.
there was the husband and wife duo that also stopped for a fajita (yeah… we made fajitas. that were actually for us, the volunteers, but then runners would run right up to the grill and start stuffing their faces, i mean what could you do but glop on some guacamole and laugh, ya know?!) anyway, so they’re eating, and the guy is just outta control, i was almost sickened watching him shove the entire tortilla with the meat and the onions, etc, in his face…. his mouth was buldging at the seams, and his wife was like “come on, come on, lets go” and he turns to her and goes “WAIT…..I WANT A COOKIE”…
we about died.
there were, as i alluded to earlier, some amazingly gorgeous men… and we wasted no time in telling them so. we even debated on if we should get a marker out and write our numbers on the cups as we handed them out… but we were ill-prepared. no marker on the premesis. damn shame too, i tell ya what….
lets see, what else??!?…
there was music… lots of music. and dancing. there was fun with latex gloves as one of the sons of the volunteers put a glove down his pants, fingers flopping out and ran around saying “i’m a cow…i’m a cow….i have udders”…. it was a riot. the poor guy’s mother will just be thrilled with all the new things we taught him!
but mostly, it was just fun. it was awesome to see the runners, since we saw them so many times over the course of the race, they got into the hilarity of our pit-stop and one of the older ladies even stopped to wiggle her hips a bit… apparently any reason to stop running at the time was a good reason in her book.
and i felt like i finally belonged to a group of people that “got it”…. we all stood around talking about our marathons, what we’ve done, what we want to do… our injuries and when’s the last time we’ve run…when will be the next. how frusterating it is not to be able to run, and how nerve-racking it is not to know if you’re healed yet.
and….. we talked about swimming. and biking. and triathlons. i asked the triathlon coach (who is crazy in a we’ll probably get along really well kind of a way) about what it takes to train for a triathlon, and she assured me its not as scary as it seems. we talked about olympic distance tri’s (which i’ve never known, and now i do, and hello….TOTALLY) and she attmepted to reel me in for 2006.
i resisted…. a bit. (though she got the wheels turning…)
and it was an awesome day. one of those that just leaves ya smiling…
and so thats what i am. i’m smiling, gearing up to try running this week (possibly) and once again thanking God i ever got myself into this whole Marathon/Running mess. i couldn’t have made a better decision, and i can’t wait to start the whole thing all over again!
i wobbled to the men in tuxedos, grabbed a tiffany box, and collapsed in the first available chair. get that damn chip timer off’a me!!
somehow i found my parents in the crowd. i was sore. and tired. and angry/frustrated/disappointed. but i was numb. i wasn’t excited. having run a marathon was, at the time, the stupidest thing anyone could ever do ever in the history of mankind, and i hated it. stupid. stupid, stupid, stupid was all i could muster. i didn’t want to be congratulated. i didn’t want anyone to be “proud” of me… i certainly wasnt. the entire thing was ridiculous. I, was ridiculous.
slowly i calmed down, i hugged my parents and thanked them for being there. thank God they were there, i was a complete mess. i was walking in circles, talking jibberish. my dad tried to help me out by taking away the tiffany bag, and i clung to it like a child to her blankey.
the necklace. i want the necklace
i squatted down to my now preferred body position and pulled out the blue Tiffany box. it was just a necklace. but as i opened the little blue pouch, and tugged on the chain, the floodgates opened, my body quit fighting it, my mind let go of it and my emotions took over.
i cried. no…. i sobbed. my entire body shook as i held that necklace. that perfectly silver runner i held in my hand represented so much, and in a moment it all came rushing towards me. the training. all the months of dedication and sacrifice. everything about who i’ve become and the ride it’s all been. my parents. my friends. everyone that gave something of themselves to me that helped me along the way. everyone that told me how proud of me they were…. everyone that knew i’d finish. when even i questioned my own strength.
i was overcome. and it felt so good not to hold all that in anymore…..
the plan had been to walk at least the first half mile, if not the first mile altogether. Coach warned my knee would need to be warmed up, and so the first mile, we walked.
well…. i walked. SS and TB kinda had a quasi-trot thing goin’ on, and by the first half-mile, watching them bounce along… i just wanted to join in. so we ran. slowly. and it was good.
we ran thru the city down to the pier. we weaved in and out of slower runners and walkers and just made our way thru the crowd. somewhere along mile 3 we passed a bakery, the smell of fresh baked bread filled the air and you couldn’t help but smile. the little bakers had big tall chef’s hats on. how could you not love it?!
the pier was gorgeous. the houses along the beach were amazing… around mile 4 i decided it’d be a good time to pick the pace up to our normal time, especially before the hills, and told Stripe Shirt of my plans… “okay!!” she replied, and so we ran….
a few minutes later i look around and… i’m alone. alone in a sea of women, but i’m without my running buddies. SS had apparently meant “okay, you go on ahead” and i realized it was just as well. i need to run my own race. and keeping track of someone in the crowd was distracting…. so i focused on the view and my music and the running was good.
miles 4-6 were along the beach (if i remember correctly) and it was amazing. i’ve never run on the coast before, and the feeling of “i am a runner” overwhelmed me. the sound of the waves crashing, the magnificent homes that looked out onto the ocean… i fell in love with running all over again and whispered “i cant believe i’m really doing this” as i took in the view.
mile 7…the hill was around the corner, i could see all the women ahead of me making their way up and i felt the determination well up inside me. i’m running this thing dammit. smaller steps. same turn-over. don’t over do it, but dont wuss out. it’ll feel so good to have done it and so i did. i made my way up. up and up. and i got to the top and the feeling of all hail the running goddess was alive and well…. i had no fear. i was a runner. there was nothing to stop me…. so i galloped down the hill, relaxing my body, getting it ready for the hill i could see ahead of me in mile 9.
outta nowhere, mile 9 was horrendous. i had forgotten it spanned more than just one mile, and having not prepared myself for such a long struggle, i decided killing myself on the hill would be a bad idea, so i walked a good portion up to the top. as i reached the top i began to run again, knowing the downhill was coming soon, and i felt good. refreshed. the walking was just what i’d needed, and i began to pick up some speed.
mile 10 was just straight down, and until then i’d had no knee problems what-so-ever. i’d actually forgotten about knee issues entirely. as i barrelled down the hill, feeling like a little kid, it hit me. like a bolt of lightening. BAM. knee…..@$#! i thought this was in the bag. ok. ok its just pain and really… its really not that bad. just… flop. try that flopping thing Brent always talks about. relax your legs from the knee down and it helped. for a good minute. then, BAM, leg gave out. WHOA what was that? i went spaghetti for a second. ok that was weird……. ok that has me kinda freaked out. i’m going really fast. lets slow it down a bitYOWCH… slowing it down hurts. alllllrighty. so i wont slow down, i’ll floppily continue running…and yeah. ok. that’s the plan…
sometime in the midst of this inner dialog my Coach catches up with me…”how ya doin?!”…. “uhhh. good?”…”how’s the knee”…”uhhh.. hurts. downhill kinda sucks. but i got it. i’m good”….”ok”…. he tells me to run on the crown of the street so i dont strain one foot or the other and off he goes to some fellow teammates…. i pull off to the side, rub on some bio-freeze and continue on my way.
mile 11 hits me. my knee is just gunna hurt. this is that “its just pain” thing they were talking about. so okay. quick body check……. yeah. no. this isn’t terrible. i’m… i’m still running, for crying out loud. this is not that bad. infact… yeah. bio-freeze is kicking in. pain is evaporating. deep breath in…. deep….ohmygod i can’t breathe. mile 11, as i’m rounding a corner going ever so slightly up a hill, i can’t breathe. i can’t open my lungs. i start freaking out because…i’m not asthmatic. i’m… i’m a good breather. breathing is my thing and for a good 2 minutes, i can’t. my mind is racing and i’m thinking a million things at once and i realize i’m still running. i’m still running. i can’t breathe. why am i running. walk. stop and walk. you need to breathe, why can’t i breathe for the love legs, stop it. walk. why am i still running and just like that, i’m fine. it passes, and i’m breathing normally once again.
mile 12 gets us to Golden Gate Park and i look at my watch. holy crap. all that knee non-sense and i’m pretty close to target time…. how’d that happen?! SWEET!!! and i continue on my way.
my parents mentioned this would be the area they’d be waiting for me, so i lazily scan the crowd, thinking there’s no way i’ll actually see them, when “ALEJANDRA!!! ALE!!!” i see signs and arms and jumping… its my PARENTS. holy crap!!! i run towards them and high-five. and keep on running…. 2 minutes later i’m still getting over the fact that i saw them, and it hits me…i should have stopped. i wanted to stop. what if i dont see them again? i should have stopped. dammit. i was so blown away at having actually seen them, i forgot to enjoy the fact that they were there. i beat myself up about it as i passed the 13 mile marker.
half way. whew. okay. could i turn around and do what i’ve done so far?…. yeah. YEAH. i could. and the second half is easier. whoa… maybe i’ll even have a negative split… now THAT would be sweet
the feeling of sweet lasted less than a mile. my knee started up again. and this time it was worse. much worse. and i started to worry. i pulled off to the side and squatted down, frog style. stretching out my knees like that felt amazing, though i knew the real problem was the ITband, and squatting was doing nothing for it. but without knowing what else to do, i continued running, and immediately a sharp pain shot up from the front of my right ankle. that tendon that pops up when you flex your foot… it hurt. with every step it strained, and my shin tightened and i was in serious pain.
all during this the bio-freeze wore off, and i was at a loss for what to do. i saw my parents again at mile 14 and this time was so consumed with the pain, i didn’t know what to do. all i remember telling them was that it hurt. bad. and seeing my mom there made the tears just well up. i pulled off the road and tried to deal with the issue. more bio-freeze. down the length of my shin. my ankle. i was so frusterated. so disappointed. i wanted them to see me happy and running and strong. and i wasn’t. and it sucked so i ran. i had to go. i didnt want them to see me like that….
Golden Gate Park was just cursed. leaving the park was the Full Marathoner’s 16th mile, the Half Marathoner’s 13th. i heard them call Fulls to the left, Halves to the right and thought seriously of pulling into the other lane ooooohhh. i could be done right now. i would love to be done right now. dang-it. why didn’t i sign up for the half? and with that i veered left, down the course with the rest of the Full Length runners…
turning out of the park was like starting a new run. we turned onto the beach and ran along the coastlilne. it was foggy and grey, but beautiful. i realized on the other side of the divider was mile 23-26, and i looked over at all the speedy runners, so close to being finished and was in awe. holy mother. they’re 8 miles ahead of me and still running. how are they doing that? no way!! and i picked up my pace. the knee was back to a dull pain, the ankle was no longer straining and the shin had loosened up. i long ago gave up looking at my watch, but in mile 18 my Coach caught up with me and informed me i’m on time for a 5 hour finish. which surprised the hell outta me, i’m not gunna lie!
“how ya feeling, how’s the knee”… “it effing hurts. like an effer. and saying @$#% makes it feel a lot better.”.. this of course amuses the ex-marine (thank God because i’ve got quite the mouth on me at times) so we run along for a while…. “have you walked at all”… “just one of the hills and all the water-stops”… “alright”….. and we run…. “where the EFF is the next water stop, i seriously need a break”… he laughs. this is pretty much all he did all weekend. laugh and shake his head every time i spoke. “i dont effing know” … so he offers to stretch out my ITband before i head off for my last 8 miles.
sure! why not? stretching is good, right?!
WRONG. we pull over to the side, i lay on my back, and he stretches my hamstrings. then… my ITbands. i was screaming in pain. curses were flying outta my mouth and i started breathing as if i was going into labor. all the while… he laughed. so great you’re getting such a kick outta this. if i had any energy to spare i would inflict enormous amounts of pain on you, you evil, evil man but when he was done i felt…. better.
hmm. ok. i forgive him… we walk it out a bit, he proclaims me ready to run, and then he’s off to some other teammate.
ok. great. so now i just gotta run 8 more miles, right?! oooouugh. i officially am really sick of running right now. this is lame…. at mile 19 the course veers to the left, and i realize there’s a lake in front of me. omg thats a lake. thats… thats a big lake. @%#$*! i’m going to have to run all the way around this, aren’t i? is there… maybe there’s a bridge? i dont remember there being a bridge but… surely there’s a bridge, right? and at about this time i start to lose it. i pull over to stretch and flex my knees a bit more, and Headphones Girl runs up behind me. both her knees are taped, she’s on the verge of tears, and i’m hit with oh sh*t… in our training runs… she’s my rabbit. she’s who i aspire to run with. if she’s been behind me, she can’t be doing well….
she reaches me and starts to cry. she’s in pain. a lot. she’s so tired. i don’t know what to do. i offer bio-freeze, which she takes, and we run together for a bit. she stops to stretch, i go ahead. i stop to stretch, she passes me…. a few minutes later, i’m hit with a new pain. my left knee. every time i pick up my leg to step, theres a sharp pain in my knee… my bio-freeze is wearing off on my right leg, and suddenly the sharp pain from my left knee is matched with a sharp new pain in my right, and its too much.
i can’t do this. i can’t… i dont understand. i dont know this pain. this is new, i dont even know what to do. what its from. i need bio-freeze, where is it. i cant… i cant open it. GOD please dont do this, please i have to open it and i start to lose it. i’m shaking, and i’m freaking out, and i can’t open the packet…. i finally stop and pull over and rub it all over both legs. i start to run again, and i can’t.
NO. NOOOOO. stop it. stopitstopitstopit. why are You doing this to me? why? i’ve had this my entire run and i’ve dealt with it and You CANT DO THIS TO ME. i can’t. God i’m so tired. please. please don’t do this and i cry. i just cry. i’m running, limping, walking, crying… and i just want to quit.
and then i remember. Texas Boy. “don’t be a quitter. you’ve put in all the training. you’re ready for this. i’m proud of you. you can do this….i’m proud of you”…. and its all i need. i clench my fists, and i grit my teeth… i’m NOT a quitter. dammit. i’m not. i’m doing this and i’m not quitting. and i manage to catch up to Headphones Girl. she’s walking, so i take a walk break, and we decide at the next light we’ll run again.
good. fine. thats reasonable. we hit the light and she takes off. i begin to run and BAMBAMBAM. sharp shooting pain. left knee. right knee. and now my hamstring.
You’re kidding. right? You’re not actually doing this? my HAMSTRING now? what do You want from me? and i get just pissed enough to keep going thru mile 22. but it doesnt last long and i begin to doubt myself. at some point, during all of this, i look down at my watch and see it turn from 5:08 to 5:09…
no. no, no,no,no. God please no. im so close. why? why are You doing this?? i can’t. i’m so tired. i hurt…… it hurts, it just, hurts. i can’t….. please dont do this to me. please. please make it stop, i just want to stop and i break-down all over again.
miles 19-23 i broke down and pushed thru, every half mile. or what seemed like every half mile. i questioned finishing in 5:30, 6:00…i questioned finishing at all.
finally mile 23-24 turns us back onto the beach for the final 3 miles. i’m done with the crying. now i just gotta suck it up and go.
what seems like every two steps, i pull over and squat down. its heaven for my knees, and seems to be what i need to make it thru. my quads burn as they’ve never burned before. i slow to walk, to give them a break, but walking is worse on the knees, somehow, so i continue to run.
24, 25, 26 miles come and the finish line is so far away. i’m angry. i’m so angry. i’m in pain and i don’t understand. i worked so hard, for this? for what? to fall apart? i’m just so angry. and then relief. its the final stretch and they call out my name. i’m just a few steps away from the finish line and i see my parents. oh thank god and i run it in.
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